Hamstrung, Hobbled, Hidebound, Hindered

The internet is slow. For my job, having to do work with a lethargic server is analogous to hauling logs cross-country in an 18-wheeler with ten flats.

I want to go home.

--The Robo-Pirate

An Apology

Dear Friends in my Office Who Sit in the Same Room as I Do,

I want to apologize to you guys right now for getting Fartaburger for lunch. I know, I know--it's not like I don't know what will happen, but every time I contemplate getting into the drive-thru queue, I think, "Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time I can enjoy a delicious hamburger with bacon, cheese and grilled onions and not experience massive seismic activity in my lower intestine." Of course, those maybes pour the foundation of wholly unrealistic hopes. I hear alcoholics use this reasoning as part of their denial, that maybe they can have a scotch or two and not drink their way into having blacked-out sex with someone's pill-billied grandmother, and that realizing the fallacy of this logic is a step towards sobriety.

Well, I'm not addicted to Whataburger; in fact, I don't even like it that much, but sometimes it just sounds irresistable. I just want you guys to know that I'm sorry. I know better, and I'll be sure to remember this letter the next time I cruise by that soaring orange W. Hopefully, I will keep cruising. Also know that as I spend the rest of the afternoon blasting away, I will do my utmost to spare you all the noxious fallout and drill them into my chair.

Your Friend,

--The Robo-Pirate

Oblivion Update #2 (No new girls, just new spells)

Actually, that's a lie. Morricone doesn't have any new spells. He did, however, recently acquire the Battle Axe of Embers and the Longsword of Shocking, and they both contributed to his recent successes in the Imperial City Arena in a really big way. He's now the champion and is on his way to buying a little shack of his own down at the waterfront. As for me, I am still a huge nerd.

--The Robo-Pirate

Describe My Day with a Song #3

I switched the format. Guess I'll make this a regular feature. Anyway,

"I Can't Stop Farting" by The Queers

--The Robo-Pirate

Moment to moment

I had to get something out of the Grampus today, and as I walked back to the office, for no particular reason I threw my keys straight up in the air, and for that second during which they were aloft, I felt intense joy, the kind you feel when you're twelve and it's summer and the whole day, if not every day that will follow, is entirely yours. The sun grinned down at me from cloudless blue, catching on the rings and a couple untarnished spots on my keys, and when they clinked into my palm, I was a little sad, but not without hope, for life will turn out okay if I treasue moments like this one.

--The Robo-Pirate

Oblivion Update #1 (from the pages of Nerdular Nerdence)

In my continuing effort to make myself as unappealing to women as I possibly can, I would like to inform everyone that Morricone, my alter-ego on The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, is now a Level 4 Agent and is doing just fine, having recently acquired the Battle Axe of Souls.

--The Robo-Pirate

"Urethane." "I'm a what?"

Today, the MSN home page had a link to Roller Derby, which has been going strong in places like Austin and probably Detroit for like five years now. Since the Texas Rollergirls were on TV last year and now that the internet has decided to write an article about them, I imagine that Roller Derby is probably about to be totally played out.

Regardless of that, I think Roller Derby is pretty cool, mostly because I'm a casual fan of people pushing other people over, especially if all the pushing is on the part of quasi-attractive girls. Of course, in the case of Roller Derby, quasi kind of gives them a mulligan; predictably, Roller Derby is performed by rockabilly/punk rock/Austin lesbian bartender-type girls who are mostly cute and a little scary. This is irrelevant to me, however, because I judge a Derby girl's merit solely on the coolness of her name. For instance, I tried unsuccessfully to get my ex-girlfriend involved in Roller Derby, largely because she said she would skate under the fake name Jackie Onasty.* I never even knew if she could rollerskate or not; I just thought it would be cool to be the boyfriend of famed Roller Derby queen Jackie Onasty.

Anyway, from Assassination City Derby League in Dallas, the best name I found was Mary Lou Threaten, who is a member of La Revolucion. A lot of the other girls' names are pretty jejune, but Mary Lou Threaten totally wins big.

--The Robo-Pirate

*Unfortunately, this name already belongs to a chick on an Austin team.

Whoa Nelly!

Nelly Furtado is back with a new album! To celebrate, I've rewritten part of the chorus-outro to the "Like a Bird." Why? because I want her to read it and think I'm hilarious and marry me. Unless she's crazy. I don't want to marry her if she's crazy.

I'm like a bird,
Except I can't fly,
and I don't have feathers,
and I don't eat worms,

(but baby yeah) I'm like a bird,
but-with-a human-sized brain,
I don't bathe in a gutter,
I don't hatch from an egg

(butstillbabyyeah) I'm like a bird,
but don't live in a tree,
guess it's a bad simile,
doesn't really describe me

Ad nauseum.

--The Robo-Pirate

Succumbing to the Urge

I probably have more interesting things to discuss in light of the past ten days or so (oh who am I kidding--I had a birthday and a show and both evenings ended with me barfing in parking lots), but the most important news is that I finally caved and bought an Xbox 360, as well as The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, which is probably the nerdiest game you can possibly play, unless you count accounting. Anyway, on Monday, I got a birthday check in the mail, which I wasted no time in cashing along with some checks for writing crappy album reviews and raced as fast as the Grampus would carry me to Gamestop, in order to further prolong my adolescence and inhibit my social interractions with others.

--The Robo-Pirate

What would we do without him?

What's that MySpace? Internet Freedom is under attack by big telecoms like AT&T, but Moby is going to show me how to fight back? Whew. I hope he starts by taking on News Corporation.

--The Robo-Pirate

Describe the Day with a Social Distortion Song #1

"Ball and Chain"

--The Robo-Pirate

This was from yesterday. Posted today because I had to board the plane.

I'm at the Sacramento Metro Airport right now, having gone to Lodi for my brother's high school graduation. The immediate inspiration for writing is the fact that there is just now an employee simultaneously dragging two wheelchairs bearing old people through the terminal. He looks like a cross between Eazy E and the trainer from Mike Tyson's Punch-out. Despite the fact that his way is relatively free of people, he persists in shouting "WHEELCHAIRS, COMING THROUGH! ERRNT ERRNT ERRNT!!! WHEELCHAIRS, COMING THROUGH! ERRNT ERRNT ERRNT!!!"

I guess this is a funny thing to do, though I couldn't tell what the old people thought about it. Reading their facial expressions is nearly impossible on account of all that drooping skin.

--The Robo-Pirate

Late Night, with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!

Now seriously, would a guy like this enrich uranium for the wrong reasons? I mean, you know?

You never catch Kim Jong Il cracking up like that.

I'm just saying is all.

--The Robo-Pirate

Describe the Day with a Sublime Song #1

"Burritos."

--The Robo-Pirate

...And Justice For All, or at least for Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling

Well, Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted today, thank Christ. Of course, they have no remorse. Of his conviction, Skilling said, "Obviously I'm disappointed. But that's the way the system works."

You're disappointed, Jeffrey Skilling? I'll bet you aren't as disappointed as the people you bilked out of their pensions, nor any Californian who was inconvenienced when his or her power went out because of you two, nor as disappointed as you will be when get to experience life in federal prison. Enjoy your butt-rapes, you fucking assholes. You deserve every humiliating second of them.

--The Robo-Pirate

Sheesh

Log on to Sallie Mae dot com to manage your loans!

(It's not recognizing me)

Your expected wait time for this call is 3 minutes. Mondays are our busiest days.

(it's Wednesday)

...

Look, do you guys still want my money or not?

I'm just saying is all.

--The Robo-Pirate

Fighting the Urge

I've been working part time at my friend's bar in order to have some savings while the bulk of my primary job's paycheck goes to bills. What this means is that I can make about a hundred extra bucks a week or so, which also means that I have disposable cash, and disposable cash means that I very nearly bought an Xbox 360 on Sunday.

As far as compulsions go, I could do a lot worse. At least it's not heroin or shoes.

--The Robo-Pirate

The Robo-Pirate Engages Archie Bunker Mode

Comic books are gay. Now I don't really mean that, but when I was a kid, I used to ride my bike across town to the Comic Grapevine, which was the only dedicated comic book store in Lodi (I know, I know, as if a community of 55,000 people needs more than one). And this made my mom nervous, in part because I had to cross a busy street called Kettleman Lane, but also because she swore up and down that the Comic Grapevine was full of pedophiles, who would love nothing more than to grab a couple eleven-year olds when they went to pick up the latest issue of Aquaman.* As far as I was concerned, I was perfectly safe as long as I didn't go past the manga racks and into the back of the shop, because that was where twenty-something men with glasses and patchy goatees sat reeking of Mountain Dew and armpits while playing Dungeons and Dragons. And as everyone knows, these people are not to be bothered or engaged lest you wish to be pulled into a windowless van and later cut up into bite-sized pieces.

My mom might have been hysterically imaginative about the patrons of the Comic Grapevine, but I do concede that comic books unfortunately get this homoerotic rap, because of a number of inherent conventions. Primarily, it's because of the overwhelming dude factor. When a medium is largely comprised of dudes reading illustrated stories about dudes, it's hard not to think certain things. This was a big deal in the mid-1950s, when some concerned citizens got their noses out of joint over homoerotic overtones (homovertones?) in comics because of a book called The Seduction of the Innocent, that alleged, among other things, that superhero comics made kids gay. And really, if you have ever looked at an old Batman comic, you can kind of see where they were coming from.

Anyway, on Sunday, I went to the Borders down the street to pick up the May issues of Uncanny X-Men and Astonishing X-Men. Like a lot of bookstores, the Borders' comics selection is in a revolving rack near the periodicals. After I had found the two books I was looking for, my browsing shifted to the adjacent magazine shelves. I absently gazed at these magazine for almost a whole minute before realizing that I stood in front of titles such as Out, Shout, Pink, Curves, DIVA and probably the official publication of the Bravo! network. In other words, Borders puts their gay and lesbian lifestyle magazines right next to their comic books.

Oddly, Men's Health was way on the other side next to FHM and Maxim.

I don't know what the point of putting magazines geared for topman and bottom next to the comics is, but I made a beeline for the Playboys nevertheless, just in case anyone had been looking. It's bad enough to be 27 and caught with two X-Men comics; I can't accurately describe the embarrassment of being caught holding said comics in front a magazine with Augusten Burroughs or Rosie O'Donnell on the cover.

--The Robo-Pirate

*Over the past couple years, I've noticed that Aquaman seems to be the most maligned superhero in the entire pantheon. I don't know why this is, but apparently Aquaman hs a reputation for (so sorry for the pun) fishy behavior. This is why I'm glad I stuck to Marvel titles. Cyclops and Wolverine fought over Jean Grey, not Gene Grey.

Yet another reason why Danzig should have stuck with the Misfits

I've been looking for this video for about two years. It's of Glen Danzig getting punched in the face. I assume I don't need to tell you twice to click the link.

--The Robo-Pirate

Quiznos = Bad

Last night sucked. I had a lot of crap to do, not a lot of time to do it, and this stress was compounded by the fact that I ate Quiznos, which caused me to vomit twice. I guess I should be grateful that it didn't totally incapacitate me today. Apparently, minor food poisoning is God's way of saying make your own damn food.

--The Robo-Pirate