Thursday, April 27, 2006

The Ultimate Reason Why CHiPs is Totally Fake

As I drove around downtown today in a tiresome, if ultimately successful quest to get the Grampus registered, I noticed about six or seven motorcycle cops, and they got me thinking about Ponch and Jon, of the ever-awesome TV show CHiPs. Until the A-Team came around, CHiPs was probably the greatest and most awesome show in the history of great and awesome shows. When I was four or five, CHiPs was so inspirational to me that I combined these khaki-colored Pac-Man pajamas with my dad's socks to make what I thought was the closest thing to a CHP uniform you could have without actually having to be stuck in Barstow pulling over semis.

Anyway, if you recall, Ponch and Jon were CHP officers, and they did all sorts of things that CHP officers never do, such as solve crimes and crack jokes. As near as I can tell, the only thing motorcycle cops ever do in real life is ruin a person's day. Ponch and Jon seemed downright helpful, good-natured and glad to be doing what they were doing, which I have always felt is an inaccurate portrayal of motocycle cops, since they don't seem to like doing much of anything but riding around while scowling. Of course, all of Ponch and Jon's phony industriousness and good cheer might as well be gritty realism when compared to the show's most obvious deviation from real life: Ponch and John didn't weigh three-hundred pounds.

What is the deal with that? Why are most bike cops so fucking fat? When I see a pair riding parallel down the freeway, I am immediately reminded of the world's fattest twins riding those minibikes.* I have a couple friends who were turned down from the Houston and Dallas Police Academies, and near as I can tell, the only reasonable explanation for their rejections is that they are both in too good of shape to be cops.

Stupid fake TV. This is why I only watch cartoons.

--The Robo-Pirate.

*And why in the world are there no pictures of them on the internet?! I bought the The Guinness Book of World Records about seventy different times from the book fairs that came to my school for the very purpose of seeing the world's longest fingernails, the world's fattest woman and the world's fattest fucking twins. There was even a joke on The Family Guy about them, for goodness sake! So where the hell are they?


Anonymous said...

I hope this link works...and solves all your worldly problems.


ANDREW M. said...

Billy and Benny McCrary. one of 'em died in '78, the other has got to be dead by now. here they are.

jen said...

Motorcycle cops are not human. They are entities of evil lard that taunt the public.
Chips was actually created to fool the human race… Not only are “real” cops overweight, but have you ever seen a set of buns like Ponch’s on the streets? I think not!

Liz said...

LMAO! Chips was awesome. I spent more than a few hours locked up in the bathroom as a kid trying to concoct some mixture that made fumes like on the show. Never worked, which was good because Ponch wouldn’t have showed up to save me.

I swear I recall seeing that picture of the 2 on the motor bike as a kid. It was on the back cover. Probably not PC today.

Valerie said...

ooooooo, LOVE Ponch. :)

Love your blog too.

ManMakeUp said...


I just want to say, as your friend who is the resident PONCH look-a-like (and act-a-like), cops on bikes might be evil, but hey, at least it could be worse, they could be 6'4'' roommates with dark hair that CONSTANTLY clog the shower with body hair and wear worn out Filas everyday.

By the way, clean up your bathroom, I"m sure all the talc spread in there looks like a Columbian drug deal gone awry.


Robo-Pirate said...

Ha! With all of Todd's talc, our bathroom floor looked like Lindsey Lohan was in there trying to lose weight.