As I drove around downtown today in a tiresome, if ultimately successful quest to get the Grampus registered, I noticed about six or seven motorcycle cops, and they got me thinking about Ponch and Jon, of the ever-awesome TV show CHiPs. Until the A-Team came around, CHiPs was probably the greatest and most awesome show in the history of great and awesome shows. When I was four or five, CHiPs was so inspirational to me that I combined these khaki-colored Pac-Man pajamas with my dad's socks to make what I thought was the closest thing to a CHP uniform you could have without actually having to be stuck in Barstow pulling over semis.
Anyway, if you recall, Ponch and Jon were CHP officers, and they did all sorts of things that CHP officers never do, such as solve crimes and crack jokes. As near as I can tell, the only thing motorcycle cops ever do in real life is ruin a person's day. Ponch and Jon seemed downright helpful, good-natured and glad to be doing what they were doing, which I have always felt is an inaccurate portrayal of motocycle cops, since they don't seem to like doing much of anything but riding around while scowling. Of course, all of Ponch and Jon's phony industriousness and good cheer might as well be gritty realism when compared to the show's most obvious deviation from real life: Ponch and John didn't weigh three-hundred pounds.
What is the deal with that? Why are most bike cops so fucking fat? When I see a pair riding parallel down the freeway, I am immediately reminded of the world's fattest twins riding those minibikes.* I have a couple friends who were turned down from the Houston and Dallas Police Academies, and near as I can tell, the only reasonable explanation for their rejections is that they are both in too good of shape to be cops.
Stupid fake TV. This is why I only watch cartoons.
*And why in the world are there no pictures of them on the internet?! I bought the The Guinness Book of World Records about seventy different times from the book fairs that came to my school for the very purpose of seeing the world's longest fingernails, the world's fattest woman and the world's fattest fucking twins. There was even a joke on The Family Guy about them, for goodness sake! So where the hell are they?