Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Describe My Day with a Song #3

I switched the format. Guess I'll make this a regular feature. Anyway,

"I Can't Stop Farting" by The Queers

--The Robo-Pirate

Moment to moment

I had to get something out of the Grampus today, and as I walked back to the office, for no particular reason I threw my keys straight up in the air, and for that second during which they were aloft, I felt intense joy, the kind you feel when you're twelve and it's summer and the whole day, if not every day that will follow, is entirely yours. The sun grinned down at me from cloudless blue, catching on the rings and a couple untarnished spots on my keys, and when they clinked into my palm, I was a little sad, but not without hope, for life will turn out okay if I treasue moments like this one.

--The Robo-Pirate

Monday, June 26, 2006

Oblivion Update #1 (from the pages of Nerdular Nerdence)

In my continuing effort to make myself as unappealing to women as I possibly can, I would like to inform everyone that Morricone, my alter-ego on The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, is now a Level 4 Agent and is doing just fine, having recently acquired the Battle Axe of Souls.

--The Robo-Pirate

Thursday, June 22, 2006

"Urethane." "I'm a what?"

Today, the MSN home page had a link to Roller Derby, which has been going strong in places like Austin and probably Detroit for like five years now. Since the Texas Rollergirls were on TV last year and now that the internet has decided to write an article about them, I imagine that Roller Derby is probably about to be totally played out.

Regardless of that, I think Roller Derby is pretty cool, mostly because I'm a casual fan of people pushing other people over, especially if all the pushing is on the part of quasi-attractive girls. Of course, in the case of Roller Derby, quasi kind of gives them a mulligan; predictably, Roller Derby is performed by rockabilly/punk rock/Austin lesbian bartender-type girls who are mostly cute and a little scary. This is irrelevant to me, however, because I judge a Derby girl's merit solely on the coolness of her name. For instance, I tried unsuccessfully to get my ex-girlfriend involved in Roller Derby, largely because she said she would skate under the fake name Jackie Onasty.* I never even knew if she could rollerskate or not; I just thought it would be cool to be the boyfriend of famed Roller Derby queen Jackie Onasty.

Anyway, from Assassination City Derby League in Dallas, the best name I found was Mary Lou Threaten, who is a member of La Revolucion. A lot of the other girls' names are pretty jejune, but Mary Lou Threaten totally wins big.

--The Robo-Pirate

*Unfortunately, this name already belongs to a chick on an Austin team.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Whoa Nelly!

Nelly Furtado is back with a new album! To celebrate, I've rewritten part of the chorus-outro to the "Like a Bird." Why? because I want her to read it and think I'm hilarious and marry me. Unless she's crazy. I don't want to marry her if she's crazy.

I'm like a bird,
Except I can't fly,
and I don't have feathers,
and I don't eat worms,

(but baby yeah) I'm like a bird,
but-with-a human-sized brain,
I don't bathe in a gutter,
I don't hatch from an egg

(butstillbabyyeah) I'm like a bird,
but don't live in a tree,
guess it's a bad simile,
doesn't really describe me

Ad nauseum.

--The Robo-Pirate

Succumbing to the Urge

I probably have more interesting things to discuss in light of the past ten days or so (oh who am I kidding--I had a birthday and a show and both evenings ended with me barfing in parking lots), but the most important news is that I finally caved and bought an Xbox 360, as well as The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, which is probably the nerdiest game you can possibly play, unless you count accounting. Anyway, on Monday, I got a birthday check in the mail, which I wasted no time in cashing along with some checks for writing crappy album reviews and raced as fast as the Grampus would carry me to Gamestop, in order to further prolong my adolescence and inhibit my social interractions with others.

--The Robo-Pirate

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

What would we do without him?

What's that MySpace? Internet Freedom is under attack by big telecoms like AT&T, but Moby is going to show me how to fight back? Whew. I hope he starts by taking on News Corporation.

--The Robo-Pirate

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Sunday, June 04, 2006

This was from yesterday. Posted today because I had to board the plane.

I'm at the Sacramento Metro Airport right now, having gone to Lodi for my brother's high school graduation. The immediate inspiration for writing is the fact that there is just now an employee simultaneously dragging two wheelchairs bearing old people through the terminal. He looks like a cross between Eazy E and the trainer from Mike Tyson's Punch-out. Despite the fact that his way is relatively free of people, he persists in shouting "WHEELCHAIRS, COMING THROUGH! ERRNT ERRNT ERRNT!!! WHEELCHAIRS, COMING THROUGH! ERRNT ERRNT ERRNT!!!"

I guess this is a funny thing to do, though I couldn't tell what the old people thought about it. Reading their facial expressions is nearly impossible on account of all that drooping skin.

--The Robo-Pirate

Friday, June 02, 2006

Late Night, with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad! my cousin just moved to the West Bank. It's rural and all, but it's only a stone's throw from Jerusalem! Now seriously, would a guy like this enrich uranium for the wrong reasons? I mean, you know?

You never catch Kim Jong Il cracking up like that.

I'm just saying is all.

--The Robo-Pirate