To wit:

There may not be anyone cooler than you, but there is surely someone who is smarter.

--The Robo-Pirate

Meet my son, Thunderfist Guava

According to this Kiss FM DJ's celebrity gossip website, Gwynneth Paltrow is about to fire out another baby. She intends to name it after her godfather, who is none other than Stephen Spielberg. Except that to her ears, Stephen apparently sounds like MOR-TI-MER, because that's what she plans on naming the baby. Now I've always understood that Mortimer is a name you give Jewish kids who grow up to be pharmacists or cartoon mice, but on the other hand, when you are willing to name your firstborn after a piece of fruit, I suppose all bets are off.

Seriously, if you think you might want to saddle your unborn children with stupid names why not get a bunch of poodles and get all that foolishness out of your system? Poodles don't give two shits about what you call them. In fact, the only sound you can make that they respond to nearly always has to do with food. Also, unlike children, if poodles don't like their names, you can just eat them if they start complaining about it.

--The Robo-Pirate

How to Make a Band ca. 2003-2006

Dump your sister's jeans, a shirt from your favorite metalcore band, backwards hair, doublekick pedals and tuneless vocals into Protools. Wrap resulting mess in lengthy name made from a subordinate clause or prepositional phrase. Simmer on Myspace for ten minutes. Serve immediately. Feeds ten.

--The Robo-Pirate

Oscar Wieners

Well anyway, I don't normally watch the Oscars, and of course, this year was no exception. My lack of attention is usually due to the fact that I never get around to watching all the Best Picture nominees. This is best explained by the fact that I went and saw Ultraviolet this weekend. Apart from the fact that Milla Jovovich is in it, I can't really recommend any other virtue. My girlfriend said it was better than Aeon Flux. One review of Ultraviolet remarked that it looked like a shampoo commercial. The main difference between Ultraviolet and a L'Oreal ad is that the narrative in a shampoo commercial is relatively easy to follow. Plus, I care about the characters a lot more.

Anyway, everyone in my office was bemoaning the fact that Crash won best picture. I didn't see it, but what I find amusing is that The Three 6 Mafia won the award for best original song. I had a roommate during and after college who listened to them, and honestly, I haven't thought about them in about eight years, but from now on, I will now refer to them as "Oscar-Winning Rap Artists Three 6 Mafia." I don't know if that is a cool thing for a rap group to be or not, but it's probably good that the Oscar statue is gold.

--The Robo-Pirate

Prurient Interest

OOPS!

p.s.
This is probably hot in the parallel universe in which Lindsey Lohan did not become emaciated via Colombian diet powder. It's the one where she lives next door to me and also works at McDonald's.