I'll Shoot Yer Eye Out

That parrot's really going to get it.

--The Robo-Pirate

Is American Idol Homophobic?

Well, Clay Aiken won, didn't he, hahaha. Anyway, according to this Yahoo story last week (I know, I know I'm really up on current events) the Gay Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation got their um, panties in a wad because Simon and Randy made some comments about a dude wearing a dress. According to a GLAAD spokesman, "The real offense here was in the producer's decision to add insult to injury by turning a contestant's gender expression into the butt of a joke."

Sheesh.

Honestly, ladies, gender expressions (such as cross-dressing) made on a nationally televised talent contest geared for eighth-grade girls and their mothers is pretty foolish. And if you think that transgender pop stars are taken seriously anymore, well just ask Boy George. You can catch him on the graveyard shift at Denny's. He usually takes a smoke break around 2:45. Basically, if you decide to appear before a notorious prick like Simon Cowell, don't provide him with an obvious reason to publically ridicule you. A dude wearing a dress is just asking for trouble.

But then there is the PC side of this, which says that a dude wearing a dress on TV is not, in fact, asking for trouble. And in truth, making fun of people for being gay is a little bit like making fun of people for being Chinese. Or for having vaginas, but nobody disagrees with his or her friend who loved Blade: Trinity by saying, "Dude, that movie was totally Mexican." They disagree by saying that the movie was totally gay. And this isn't really fair, but unfortunately, the jury is still out about whether or not one has a choice about being gay, and old habits die hard. Which, I'll admit, is a pretty flimsy defense for what is apparently insensitive bigotry. But you know what? I don't believe for an instant that this RuPaul wannabe was making a political statement. I think he was just being a tacky asshole (and what a great mental picture that makes!). It has been my opinion for a long time that the average American would accept all homosexuals a lot more readily if the fringe-dwelling weirdo ones weren't constantly trying to freak out or piss off Connie Conservative. I'm sorry, but that's the unfortunate reality in a country where pluralism is pre-empted for the safety of the lowest common denominator.

I'm just saying is all.

--The Robo-Pirate

p.s.
I have a couple of gay friends, and we talk about this stuff often enough, and they basically agree with me. And my friends who are homosexuals are also on the same page as I am. They maintain that there are few things as inexcusable as a gay man with terrible taste. And as for my friends who have vaginas, they are named Kerry and Eric. Oh snap!

Polly wanna mouthful of alka seltzer?

My apartment came with a smoke alarm, and I discovered this morning that it is possessed by the spirit of someone's panicky mom. It totally freaked out because I made toast. Not smoke, mind you, but regular, old toast. And when I tried to shut it off, it wouldn't stop, so I took the battery out. It still wouldn't stop. I yanked it off the wall, revealing a tangled warren of wires, and it subsided to a single beep every thirty seconds. I think what it is doing now is akin to sulking, but if it's still beeping after all that, I'm calling a priest.

The other thing my apartment came with that makes a lot of noise is a parrot. It lives on the balcony directly above me, and of course, it's not only a parrot, but a talking parrot. After I had angered the nagging goddess of smoke detection, I heard these creepy muppet sounds coming from outside. I hopped over the patio railing and to investigate, and sure enough, there was a wire cage cresting the top of the upstair's neighbor's patio. So there's that. I couldn't figure out exactly what it was trying to say, but I have a feeling it will soon learn to repeat "shut the fuck up" loudly and clearly.

--The Robo-Pirate

I should really do this more often.

Anyway, I was fortunate enough to receive an iPod for Christmas from my family. Suffice to say, I have most of my music collection on this thing, and I haven't even used up one sixth of its capacity. What I've realized is that I like NOFX waaaaaay more than I thought I did, as setting the iPod on shuffle causes it to play a NOFX track every fourth song or so. Stash said that he thinks people end up sticking with the music they liked when they were seventeen, which is probably why I've been listening to Fat Mike's snotty whine for three weeks straight. It's also probably why Darth Vato plays ska songs.

Another big development is that I moved into a new apartment in a better part of town, so theoretically, I shouldn't have to worry about my sneakers getting lifted from my patio. The new pad is almost double the size of my old one . I'm sans dog now, as my lovely girlfriend took him back to Albuquerque with her. I've learned to make the best of a long distance relationship, and in many ways it's been a really good thing for us, but I'm really missing her dog. He was the best roommate I've ever had, although to Eric's credit, he never ate my sunglasses or shat in my bed. As far as I know anyway. Eric, you'd tell me if you shat in my bed, right? RIGHT?

As for the New Year, I made a number of resolutions. I haven't maintained them in the strictest sense, but I've done okay. I haven't jogged in over a week, because I got a big tattoo (of a ship) on my back. It's almost done healing (right now it's itchy, like I've rolled in fiberglass insulation), so I should be able to compliment my rice and beans diet with some exercise again, at least until I start Phase II, in which I'll get the background put in. And in case you are wondering about how I have managed to doctor a tattoo in a place I can't reach, I had my girlfriend do it. And prior to her arrival, I used a spatula.

--The Robo-Pirate