Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The stirrup pants of the '00s

Dear women who insist on wearing gauchos,

In ten years, when VH1 decides it's time to reinvent I Love the '80s for the aughts, I predict that M'onique, Loni Love or another similarly unfunny comedian will go on and on about how gauchos were terrible. And while I probably won't laugh (unless they pick Wanda Sikes), I will agree with them. Seriously. These pants aren't doing anyone any favors. I've often said that I have about as much business telling a woman how to look as a woman has telling me how to drive, but gauchos are a fashion statement that manages to embarrass both the wearer and the observer. When I see them clinging ferociously to every topographic feature of a woman's ass, I feel shame for both of us. It's the same feeling I get when I get caught staring at a fat man with a toupee or a wiener dog in a sweater.

You could put gauchos on Adriana Lima, and they would still make her look ridiculous. If you look at the link here, you'll see what I'm talking about. Put that lady in anything else, and she'd be fighting off prom dates with a machete. The pants successfully make her lower half look like it belongs to an action figure. And then there's the flares. If I wore these pants, I'd feel obligated to swing from a mast with a knife in my mouth and bury some treasure. Why would a woman want to dress like a pirate? I like pirates and all, but not because the clothes are anything anyone should still be wearing.

I suggest to you, women who insist on wearing gauchos, that you go home and cut a bunch of holes in them so that you won't be tempted to wear them or give them to the Goodwill. I'd hate for a hipster or a hippy to pick them up and embarrass herself even further. Then, once you've cut them up, put them in the trash and set the trash on fire. When the fire goes out, cover the ashes with vomit, pack them in an urn and bury it in a haunted cemetery. Finally, find out who convinced you to buy gauchos in the first place and sit her/him down for a very serious discussion.

Sincerely,

The Robo-Pirate

8 comments:

Zine-O-Phonic said...

Yeah, those pants are hideous.

Wink said...

I have to say that I was noticing a person wearing them just today and made a mental note to myself that the clinging is no-good. Funny you should pick this as a topic. Perhaps we saw the same thing?

lauren said...

Those shouldn't even be worn to sleep.

Eric Grubbs said...

What about that silly flat-ironed hair look? I'm pretty sure that will be made fun of in ten years.

Robo-Pirate said...

Oh, you mean like the lead guitarist from Mermaid Purse?

Eric Grubbs said...

Yes.

kerrie conover said...

thankgod someone else agrees with me on this topic. they are so awful. being on campus again i see them daily and tcu girls wear PEARLS with them. wait - they wear pearls with everything, i forgot. it's just bad. BAD.

Liz said...

I agree!!

How long did you look for that picture? ;)